I was late for work this morning. A friend’s son died. I fussed with my daughter who threatened to move out instead of agree to cook two nights a week. I am ready to go to bed, but the kitten WILL NOT STOP MEOWING in the bathroom (but it is too cold to leave her outside tonight), and the Cardinals are losing. SO I am going to Pinterest to lose myself for a bit.
It was imparted to me today that my adult daughter’s sperm donor is M.I.A.
It has been four years since I have had a conversation with the man and nearly a year since I happened upon the gas station where he was working part time and caught his attention, just to let him know in my own way that I know where to find him if I needed to.
S. was never a very good father to our daughter. And then, when he was entirely too old to be making such stupid choices, he got involved with the wrong woman, then with the wrong recreational activities. He stopped making his support payments, then stopped seeing our daughter altogether.
The anger and hurt that our daughter deals with is more than I can bare sometimes. There was always an option of taking S. to court, but, honestly, I always knew he was somewhere fighting his own demons and would have to live with his own guilt and regret if he didn’t get things together. But I always had hope.
But he and his girlfriend went out to a movie early this summer and never came back. Nobody bothered to say anything to me or my daughter. And it wasn’t on the news. It is just two people who were there and aren’t any more.
And even though S. was a crappy father, and even though he broke my baby’s heart, all I can think about is if he’s dead then there won’t be any second chances. If he is dead, then all hope has died. And all the damage he did will never be able to be undone.
Post Script: I have learned that S. and his friend may be safe and well across town at her parent’s home. This has not been confirmed. But I believe in the hope of healing and redemption. It is never too late.
“First of all, Chick-Fil-A is delicious!! Secondly, this situation begs the question: Does believing that a legitimate family consists of a biological man, a biological woman, and children equate to being anti-gay?”—Knuckleheaded Knowledge (via newsweek)
Some days I think she is too immature to leave the house. Another day she acts like she has it all together and I exhale slowly and feel like maybe she is going to leave the nest and not belly flop after all.
I guess that is a mother’s fear.
Not that children will leave the nest, but that they will leave with bright eyes full of dreams and plans and excitement for the future but return jaded and disappointed having failed….maybe because they left too soon or maybe I as a parent failed to prepare them sufficiently. That would mean I failed.
Twenty year-olds have no fear. All they know if Full Steam Ahead and The Sky Is The Limit because they haven’t been told No by anyone but their parents yet.
They haven’t been hungry, been repossessed, been evicted, been fired, or been divorced. These are the not-so-glorious realities of the Life that our kids tell us they are dying to get out and live.
So when I say “I wish you would wait,” I am really saying “I love you and I am trying to give you more time to prepare you for life.”
So to young adults embarking on life I would offer:
Finish your degree. Get that job. Pay off that bill. You may think that you putting off life, but this IS life and these things are vital for the quality of the REST of your life. Make sure that your heart and your head are saying the same thing, because your feelings alone will often take you off course. Make good choices.